Warning: Full spoilers for Game of Thrones season six episode seven follow. Don’t waif bitch stare me, you’ve been warned…
Today’s GoT was more packed than the Hound’s KFC takeaway orders.
Lets jump in.
THE RIVERLANDS (or ‘ain’t nothin but a Hound dog’)
Whenever Game of Thrones has a scene before its opening credits, you know shit is about to get all kinds of real.
And, when Ian McShane appears on screen in said scene, you know shit just got real x2.
Fair to say viewers would be completely lost after seeing Blackbeard from Pirates of the Caribbean doing little more than engaging in some light hearted banter and friendly ass-slapping, all while encouraging his friends/workers to finish building what appears to be a massive wooden condom.
Everything is far too tranquil, and in GoT that means one of two things will happen:
- There will be brutal slaughter of innocents and/or a fan favourite or, even worse,
- There’ll be a cutaway to Dorne.
Refreshingly, none of these two scenarios eventuate. Instead, there’s a shot of the legs of the workers as they struggle to carry wood (like Renly when Margarey got naked eh?), then a lingering shot of one person struggling with the task.
The GoT music starts swelling as the camera starts lifting, and the musical number may as well have been called, you guessed it, ‘shit just got real’, because the camera pulls back to reveal it’s none other than THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUND LAWD JESUS HOLD ME CLOSE.
This is unmistakably awesome, but at the same time the show is cutting it very fine with the returning characters. In the space of 6 episodes we’ve had Jon Snow, Benjen Stark and now The Hound return from what seemed certain death and, while it’s all been as awesome as a slow-motion replay of Joffrey at the Purple Wedding, any more improbable returns and it will start to enter into Bold and the Beautiful territory.
KING’S LANDING (or ‘they tried to make me go repent but I said no, no, no’)
As we resume normal transmission with our bodies still recovering from that reveal, we’re back in King’s Landing with Margaery and Governor Weatherby Swa… sorry, the High Sparrow. Ian McShane has got me all Pirates of the Caribbean focused.
The High Sparrow arrives to question why Margaery hasn’t done the deed with Tommen and Ser Pounce, effectively outing the fact that, beneath all that holiness and saggy skin, he’s a power monger who wants an heir so this holy monarchy can remain strong.
Ignoring the fact Theon Greyjoy still probably has a larger manhood than Tommen, Margaery says she just doesn’t have the desire right now, which leads the Sparrow to threaten Margaery’s grandmother, Lady Olenna.
He’s a charming one that High Sparrow.
Whilst telling Olenna to get the hell out of dodge, Margaery sneakily slips a piece of paper into Olenna’s hand, something that Septa Shame doesn’t seem to notice.
It turns out to be a doodle of the Tyrell’s sigil, providing inarguable proof that Margaery is one fine doodler.
Oh, and also that she’s been playing the High Sparrow and Tommen all along. Yeah, screw you High Sparrow and your perfectly groomed chest hair.
Olenna will do as she’s told (for once) and leave King’s Landing, but not before we get one final moment of her trademark badassery. When Cersei encourages her to stay to continue the fight, Olenna poses: “I wonder if you’re the worst person I’ve ever met”.
Fair to say Olenna isn’t swayed by Cersei’s plea, and she’s gone for the foreseeable future, perhaps embarking on a World Tour of Banter (another scenario begging for a GoT spin-off).
RIVERRUN (or ‘some boring stuff’)
Jamie and Bad-Pussy-Bronn travel with their army to Riverrun to try and take back the castle from Brynden ‘Blackfish’ Tully.
It’s pretty much just a setup for Jamie v Brienne (who’s on the side of the Tullys), and aside from some good Jaime and Bronn banter, it’s about as dull as the High Sparrow’s love life.
THE NORTH (or ‘don’t be fooled by the knighthood that he’s got, he’s still Davos from the block’)
After convincing the Wildlings to join their battle for the North, Jon, Sansa and Davos try to win over the Mormonts of Bear Island.
To do so, they come up against a force mightier than a horde of White Walkers or Ramsay Snow’s army: Lady Lyanna Mormont.
She’s probably nine-years-old, but she quickly draws level with Olenna as the best trash-talker in the realm.
With Sansa and Jon verbally KO’d by the trash-talking-sledgehammers of Mormont, it takes a badass speech from Davos to convince her to offer her support and men to the upcoming battle.
And with that support comes…
It’s 7 short of a good time and hundreds short of a force resembling anything remotely formidable, but it’s a small win nonetheless, and Davos hits the nail on the head when he says: “If they’re half as ferocious as their lady, the Boltons are doomed.”
Next up is the Glovers, but Lord Glover provides a more emphatic rejection than Daenerys so often did to Jorah.
Jon wants to march on Winterfell regardless, his 2,000 undisciplined soldiers not swaying him from his ‘BastardBowl’ with Ramsay.
Sansa sneakily writes a letter she’ll send via raven. It’s most likely addressed to Littlefinger, which means he’ll be able to weave his way back into Sansa’s life.
I don’t like it.
VOLANTIS (or ‘generic female nudity scene’)
Tyrion would be proud as the God of Tits and Wine (or ale in this case) brings joy to Theon and Yara. Well, mainly just Yara. Theon’s a bit dissuaded with the whole not having a dick thing.
Yara is actually one naughty Iron Islander, and before she goes off to, and I quote, “fuck the tits off this one”, she gives Theon one last pep talk.
After forcing him to drink ale, Yara tells Theon she needs the real him back, and if that’s not possible, for him to slit his wrists. Inspiring stuff.
Still, she has conviction and passion for her brother, and the slow rise of Theon’s head accompanied by swelling music seems to signal the return of the real Theon Greyjoy. Well, Theon Greyjoy 2.0, dickless edition.
It bodes well for Yara, who plans to join forces with Daenerys, who I’m sure would want nothing more than two soldiers without penises.
BRAAVOS (or ‘Arya is screwed’)
All seems ok when Arya seems to have booked a way out of Braavos, but the problem is, when you’re in a bustling city where literally anyone could be the person trying to kill you, you’re pretty much screwed.
Case-in-point: standing on a bridge blissfully ignorant to any impending murder attempt against her, an old lady hobbles over to Arya as she turns to face her.
Then, shock-horror, it turns out to be Waif, who stabs Arya multiple times in the gut, as Arya falls over into a river.
Somehow, defying all logic, multiple stab wounds to the abdomen is not enough to kill her, and she begins limping through the streets of Braavos.
It felt for all money that Arya was going to bite the bullet, and it wouldn’t have been that bad to be honest. Her story has stalled ever since she arrived in Braavos, and she serves little-to-no purpose now in the scheme of the plot.
Still, if she were ever going to die, it would’ve been then, so the fact she remains alive bodes well for her character moving forward.
Still, where’s a Hound when you need one?
The Hound is back
The Hound is chopping wood, then hears a scream.
The Brotherhood Without Banners who threatened the camp earlier have returned, slaughtering everyone in the camp.
Ian McShane’s time in the series is as short as Aerys Targaryen’s fuse, but he serves a good purpose. The Hound looks upon those who have done nothing but good by him, all dead, and realises the world is still a shitty place.
The Hound seems ready to return to beast mode, armed with an axe and a John Wick level grudge.
The Hound is back to kill some mofos and devour copious amounts of chicken once more.