Note: Full spoilers for Game of Thrones episode 8 ‘No One’ follow… for this post is dark and full of spoilers…
Disappointingly, ‘No One’ did not feature an Alicia Keys cameo.
Lets put the overwhelming sense of disappointment behind us and move on.
BRAAVOS (or Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Dancing in the Dark’)
In a world where there are monsters whiter than Taylor Swift, and tits saggier than humanly possible (I loved you Melissandre), perhaps the biggest stretch of the imagination is Arya still being alive despite multiple stab wounds to the gut.
Short of pulling a Jesus and coming back from death, there’s no greater sign that Arya isn’t biting the bullet (or the Needle eh) anytime soon.
Unfortunately, Lady Crane, the hottest bedside nurse ever, joined the ever-growing scrap heap of those who tried to help the Starks, solidifying the Starks as RACV’s worst nightmare.
In the end, Arya pulls a Bane on Waif, who merely adopted the dark, and delivers Waif’s bitch staring mug to Braavos’ most disturbing plastic surgery parlour.
After looking at the blood-stained head of Waif, Jaqen calmly asserts that a debt has been paid, solidifying his place as the world’s best auditor.
After being told she’s finally ‘No One’, Arya says ‘A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and she’s going home.’
If you listen very closely, you can hear the reverb of the mic as it’s dropped on the floor.
MEREEN (or ‘Game of Banter’…)
The closest Game of Thrones will ever get to a sitcom is on display here, as Tyrion, Missandei and Grey Worm (henceforth known as The Three Amigos), drink wine and engage in some ‘so bad it’s good’ banter.
Best on Ground goes to Tyrion’s fake laugh at one of the worst jokes ever told by Missandei.
If there’s one thing Ian McShane taught us last week though, it’s that some good-natured banter will almost always be followed by tragedy and/or mass bloodshed, and before long the slave-masters return with a fleet, raining down fireballs in an effort to take back their land.
Then, Queen D rocks up in the nick of time, dragon in tow, ready to pull an Adele and set fire to the rain.
RIVERRUN (or ‘Hold the Door’)
Podrick, now at Riverrun with Brienne, reunites with Bronn, who teases Podrick and grabs his ‘magic cock’. He can tease all he wants, but at some point Bronn will need to decide whether he wants ‘bad pussy’ or ‘magic cock’.
Jaime and Brienne have another heart-to-heart, and the sexual tension is definitely there, to the point where Jaime gives Brienne her sword… no you dirty readers, not that sword, rather the Valyrian Steel piece she was previously ‘renting’.
Unfortunately for Brienne and Jaime shippers (Braime?), Jaime doesn’t seem to be attracted to anyone he isn’t blood relatives with, and Brienne hasn’t even fallen for the irresistible charms of Tormund, so good luck to any other man who tries to win her heart.
When Edmure approaches the gate and demands it be open, The Blackfish demands the opposite, knowing, like Admiral Ackbar, that it’s a trap. Sadly, if there’s one thing we’ve learnt this season, it’s that those who try to hold the door are screwed.
The door opens and Edmure, supposedly taking orders from Jaime now, demands The Blackfish be captured.
Luckily, Brienne and Pod escape via canoe, but not before Jaime sees them. Instead of calling for his soldiers to capture the two, who are moving as slowly as Daenery’s story arc, Jaime and Brienne engage in some Robin Schulz style waves, as they part ways once more.
WESTEROS (or ‘Axed’)
After some ripping banter between a few of the Brotherhood Without Banners who murdered Ian McShane and a bunch of extras last week, The Hound shows up, axe in hand, and goes full-on beast mode, leaving these members of the brotherhood without a lot more than their banners.
The Hound finds the last of the offenders, who are about to be murdered by the more noble of the Brotherhood, led by Lord Beric Dondarrion, the man who’s come back from the dead that many times that Jon’s resurrection looks as puny as a King Tommen bench press.
Said Brotherhood try to convince The Hound to join them, putting his impressive skills with an axe to good use.
KINGS LANDING (or ‘I choose violence’)
Cersei is ordered by the Sparrows to surrender herself to the hairy-chested clutches of the High Sparrow, but their confidence is quickly shaken after Mountainstein treats one Sparrow’s head like a banana peeling.
Cersei is right to feel safe with The Mountain as her ultimate trump card should it come to Trial by Combat… only Queen… sorry, King Tommen decrees there will no longer be the option of Trial by Combat, a decision made too quick for Cersei and too late for Ellaria over in Dorne (ugh, Dorne).
Devastated, Cersei checks with Qyburn if ‘the rumor’ bore fruit, to which Qyburn says it has done that and so much more.
What is this mysterious rumor? Could it be the key to Cersei’s survival? Are Bran’s visions of wildfire engulfing King’s Landing about to come true? And, most importantly, could Tommen be any more of a bag of dicks?