Note: Full spoilers for Game of Thrones episode 6 ‘Blood of my Blood’ follow… for this post is dark and full of spoilers…
A good start followed by an episode as boring as Dorne… ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh, watching paint dry isn’t as boring as Dorne.
Game of Thrones was pretty meh this week… lets see if we can spice it up a little.
Meera Meera on The Wall
It started off all Valyrian swords blazing, with Bran and Meera continuing to flee from the Walkers in a scene that makes Liam Neeson’s The Grey look like Cool Runnings.
Well, I say Bran and Meera. Really it was just Meera. The poor woman was dragging Bran around in a stone age wheelbarrow while Bran essentially Netflixed the entire Game of Thrones series in his head.
Call it warging, call it being a paraplegic, but no one likes a lazy ass Bran.
And then, just to top off Bran’s douchebaggery, what piece of remarkable insight does he provide as he finally awakens from his Game of Thrones bender?
“Meera. They found us.”
Wait, do you mean the HORDE OF F**KING UNDEAD CLOSING IN ON YOU BOTH RIGHT NOW?
Yeah, I think Meera deduced that as well, even without any warg powers.
Anyway, just as they’re about to be consumed by the undead, something awesome happens.
Like, OFF THE CHAIN awesome.
Like, BENJEN STARK IS F**KING BACK awesome.
Yes, after 5 years away (in our time at least), Benjen Stark does a John Farnham and comes back without warning, even though said comeback was inevitable (we get ‘you’re the voice’ John, now just retire).
What happens from this point on remains to be seen, but with Bran and Benjen (who shall henceforth be referred to as B1 and B2) together again, it’s safe to say shit’s about to get real.
So, after doing a Season 5 and leaving Bran just as things were getting interesting, we find ourselves treated to The Real Housewives of Tarly.
Sam is worried his father Randyll will not approve of Gilly and Little Sam when they meet.
Gilly effectively tells Sam to stop being a whiny bitch because, c’mon, how bad can Randyll be?
Famous last words.
Randyll quickly turns out to be the mother (or… father) of all bad fathers.
With the family eating dinner, Randyll gives some serious Kardashian-level stank eye to Sam.
Menacing stares are all well and good (after all, we’ve seen The Mountain do the same before squishing those who dare urinate in his direction), but when Sam goes to have another piece of bread (because screw you gluten is awesome), Randyll whips out the trash talk:
“Not fat enough already?”
Randyll continues his attempt to verbally pound his son into submission before Gilly tells him to back off… and inadvertently lets slip she’s a Wildling.
Randyll, who hates Wildlings more than Trump hates Mexicans, isn’t too happy.
He tells Sam to GTFO while he’ll let Gilly stay on to work in the kitchens.
Sam DGAF though. In the middle of the night he flees with Gilly and Little Sam, and also takes Heartsbane, the Valyrian steel sword belonging to House Tarly.
And so the first installment of Real Housewives of Tarly comes to an end, leaving us begging for more (seriously, I’m up for a spin-off series, can’t be worse than ‘Joey’).
This section of the show was perhaps indicative of the episode, in that it promised so much but then gave as much of an anti-climax as the Tower of Joy flashback (screw you Three-Eyed-Raven, I wanted to see who was in the tower, I’m glad you’re dead… now I guess you can’t really… ‘branch’ out ey hehehe… eh ok moving on).
So, Tommen is busy asking the High Sparrow how far down he’d like him to bend before the old man offers a visit to his wife Margaery.
If I was given a chance to visit Natalie Dormer, I would accept no questions asked, and so is the case with young Tommen.
After explaining how much he has missed Margaery (I’ll bet that right hand is pretty strong by now), he’s shocked by the fact Margaery has been swayed by the High Sparrow.
Now, I don’t buy for a second that Margaery has succumbed to the charms of the High Sparrow, especially after her pep talk to Loras earlier this season.
Nonetheless, she seems pretty convincing, and that’s good enough for Tommen. Mind you, that’s not saying much, even Grand Maester Pycelle can manipulate Tommen… and that guy literally shat his pants two weeks ago.
Then, before a potentially epic fight between the Faith Militant and Houses Lannister and Tyrell on the steps of the Great Sept, Tommen effectively cock-blocks viewers by announcing a new alliance between the Crown and the Faith.
Seriously, this kid is starting to go down Joffrey Avenue for me. He’s effectively the polar opposite of Joffrey, but that’s arguably just as bad. Still waiting for the Goldilocks of the Lannister children, one that gets ‘just right’ the mix of authoritative ruling and bat-shit crazy incest.
No One is Someone
Moving on to Ary… sorry, ‘No One’.
Actually no, not sorry, because it turns out No One is in fact Arya Stark, after she solidified her place as the worst intern ever.
Just as her target (who’s part of a play that I would gladly pay retail price for if released online in its entirety) was about to drink the poison, Arya knocks it out of her hand, revealing her true self in a moment that surely signals the end of her time at the House of Black and White which, if it is, means the entire arc was a complete waste of time, and rivals ‘Dorne’ as the most pointless detour in Game of Thrones history.
Unfortunately for Arya, Queen Bitch Stare Waif was watching, and is now tasked by Jacquelyn with killing Arya, who has finally reunited with Needle, perhaps the closest she’ll ever get to seeing Jon Snow again.
Turns out professional wedding planner Walder Frey is not, unfortunately, dead yet. In fact, he actually says “I’m not dead yet” to make it clear to those who may not know what living looks like.
Truth be told, I was partially expecting a fourth wall break when he said it, just to solidify his spot as one of the show’s walking-testicles-we-want-dead list.
There’s some guy they have who’s meant to be important (the swelling music indicated as much), but to be perfectly honest I have no idea who it is, just like I have no idea when this next storyline is actually going to get interesting.
Seriously, I feel like the Game of Thrones writers played Uncharted 3‘s desert sequence and thought ‘hey, that’d be cool in a tv show’.
We get another shot of Dany riding with supposed authority across the desert, before she looks ahead at sand (pretty common in a desert) and says to Daario to chill with her thousands of soldiers while she goes solo for a bit.
Then, Dany finds the only thing interesting about her story arc: her dragon. She gives a pep talk and once again outlines all the places she’ll conquer and people she’ll slay.
At this point, she’s effectively like the person who procrastinates with their homework.
In the end
- Bran is an asshole
- Randyl is an asshole
- Walder Frey is an asshole
- Tommen is an asshole
- The High Sceptre is an asshole
- Waif is an asshole
- Anyone not listed above is half decent, but is only ever one or two bad moves away from becoming an asshole